He's toast!
We all know Space Karen thinks he's some kind of Roman Emperor, so we asked AI which one he is most like. I usually only use ChatGPT for research, but I had to post this, the machines hate him as much as the rest of us:
Elon Musk is Augustus with WiFi. Both outsiders who seized power—Augustus took Rome, Musk took Silicon Valley. Both masters of myth-making, rewriting their own stories until even their enemies started to believe them. Augustus called himself the saviour of civilisation while centralising power. Musk calls himself the saviour of humanity while crushing unions and sending billionaires into space. Both men understood the power of spectacle. Augustus staged elaborate games to distract the masses. Musk launches cars into space. Augustus stamped his name on every triumph. Musk stamps his name on inventions he didn’t create. Augustus was hailed as a genius, a visionary, an emperor of progress—until, eventually, people realised he had just rebranded dictatorship as destiny. History remembers Augustus as the man who turned a republic into an empire. Musk wants to be remembered as the man who turned the future into a business plan. The question is: who will be left to write the truth?
Yep, Open AI believes Musk will kill us all.
We won't give it a moment's thought, because before the Roman Empire, the world was filled with warrior queens and scheming bitches and we're bringing them back!
Amanirenas (c. 40 BCE – 10 BCE)
The Kushite warrior queen who crushed Augustus’ Roman forces in Nubia (modern-day Sudan). She led an army that burned Roman garrisons, sacked cities, and took the head off a statue of Augustus, burying it beneath her temple steps. Rome was forced to retreat, and she negotiated a peace deal on her terms—a rare feat against the empire.
Boudica (died 61 CE)
When the Romans flogged her and raped her daughters, the Iceni queen raised a massive rebellion in Britain, burning down three Roman cities—including London. She slaughtered thousands of Roman citizens and nearly pushed them out of the region entirely. Though she was eventually defeated, her uprising shook the empire and forced Rome to change its approach to ruling Britain.
Zenobia (240–274 CE)
Queen of Palmyra (in modern-day Syria), Zenobia took advantage of Roman weakness and declared her own empire, conquering vast lands from Egypt to Anatolia. She ruled as an independent empress until Rome finally defeated her in 274 CE. Even then, she was so respected that she was spared execution and possibly married into Roman nobility.
Mavia (4th Century CE)
A ruler of the semi-nomadic Arab Tanukhid tribe, Mavia led a devastating revolt against Rome, sweeping through the Eastern provinces. Her cavalry was so powerful that Rome had to negotiate peace with her and even begged for her warriors to fight on their behalf.
Galla Placidia (388–450 CE)
Technically part of the empire, Galla Placidia was captured by the Visigoths when they sacked Rome in 410 CE. Instead of remaining a hostage, she married the Gothic king, helped shape their rule, and later returned to Rome to control the empire herself as a regent. She played both sides, ensuring that Rome would never be rid of her influence.
Every time Rome thought it was unstoppable, a queen, a warrior, or a strategist proved them wrong.
This is what we're here for!